Miles To Go Before I sleep
by voldysnose
Summary: "Let's go for a drive." Adam raises an eyebrow. "Why?" "Humor me, Parrish."


Ronan doesn't like watching Adam work. It makes him sad. So, so sad that Adam has to take on countless jobs just to get by. But Ronan understands why he doesn't want to take his money, or Gansey's money, or anyone's money. Adam needs to be his own person, needs to set himself free, and no one else can do that for him. So Ronan doesn't protest when he leaves early for work and gets home late, doesn't bat an eye when he never has any time to help them with the quest for Glendower, doesn't respond when Adam shows up with dark circles under his weary eyes.

Adam doesn't like watching Ronan drink. It makes him disappointed. Disappointed that Ronan feels the need to get away from the world and embrace one that is entirely his own. But Adam understands that sometimes, the real world is just too hard and cruel and filled with too many sharp edges that are all too easy to impale oneself on. God, he of all people, should know that. So he doesn't complain, doesn't say a word when Ronan disappears into his room with a half-empty bottle of vodka and blasts his absolutely _awful_ Celtic music so loud that it makes the entire building thrum.

It is a somewhat bitter moment when Adam arrives at Monmouth late one night, to find Gansey and Blue out at a nameless fancy restaurant for dinner, to find Noah disappeared somewhere, to find Ronan holed up in his room.

Adam knocks on his bedroom door, twice. Ronan doesn't respond. So he pushes the door open, hesitant, apprehensive as to what he might find, but it's nothing out of the ordinary. His headphones are clamped tightly over his ears, and he coos at Chainsaw, who stares up at him from his lap with adoring eyes. Several empty bottles of beer are scattered around the room, but Ronan isn't drunk.

Adam walks over, pulls Ronan's headphones off, and stares at him. Ronan frowns, grabbing for them. Chainsaw makes a noise of protest, and he carefully picks her up, deposits her on his desk, before walking over to Adam and glaring at him.

Adam is several inches taller than Ronan. This makes Adam quite gleeful, and he points out the fact to Ronan, whose frown deepens.

"Parrish, what are you doing here?"

Adam sighs. "Where are Gansey and Blue?" He already knows.

"Out."

"And they didn't think to invite us?"

Ronan crosses his arms. "Do they ever?"

"They could have at least offered."

Ronan doesn't move, until suddenly, his frown turns into a sharp, wicked smile. "Let's go for a drive."

Adam raises an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Humor me, Parrish."

So Adam does.

He follows Ronan into his BMW and climbs into the passenger seat, rolls down the window, and doesn't ask where they are going. Ronan wouldn't have told him, anyway. But it's a nice drive, and they sit in silence, observing one another, the unspoken words between them closing the distance more than any conversation could have. It's a nice night, and Adam rolls down his window, smiling as he catches a breath of warm, summer air. Ronan smiles too, because Adam is happy, and he's never happy anymore.

They are miles and miles out of Henrietta when the engine grinds to a stop and the car refuses to budge any further.

"Are you kidding?" Ronan gets out and slams the door, furious.

"Let me see," Adam replies, the words spilling from his mouth much more calmly than he expected. He can tell that Ronan is absolutely livid, and for a second, he wants to put a comforting hand on his arm, to tell him that everything will be okay, to whisper sweet nothings into his ear and hold him tight. But then Adam remembers that Ronan is made of glass. His edges are jagged and sharp and he won't hesitate to hurt anyone in his way. But he also is so easy to break, to shatter into a million pieces, and Adam would never risk that.

Ronan eyes him as he lifts the hood, trying to gauge a reaction. But he is surprised when Adam begins to laugh, quietly at first, and then it increases in volume and happiness.

"When was the last time you refilled your tank?" he asks.

Ronan narrows his eyes. "I don't know."

"I'm guessing it's been a while."

Ronan pokes his head into the car and draws it out again moments later.

"FUCK!"

Adam continues to laugh.

"Parrish, this isn't funny. We're miles away from the nearest gas station, and we have no way of contacting Blue or Gansey or anyone." He meanders off the street, kicking at clumps of dirt.

"We'd better start walking, then," he says, turning to head back to Henrietta.

Ronan's heart nearly stops. He is filled with this _wanting_, this need to kiss Adam, to run his hands through his hair, to graze his fingers along his pale skin, to spill all of his secrets to him, to be with him. But Adam is so filled with hurt and grief and pain that he doesn't know if he'll ever want to be with anyone ever again. He is made of _goodness_, of light, of something indescribable and magical and wonderful that Ronan thinks he will burst if he even touches Adam. But oh, how he wants to.

Ronan tears his gaze away from Adam's back.

"Are you coming?" Adam calls.

He is.

Adam slows his pace as Ronan reaches his side. Their hands brush, barely, but Ronan jerks away as if he has been stung. Adam feels as if _he_ has been pierced instead, and inhales sharply, turning his head away.

"Sorry."

Ronan's curt apology only hurts more.

"It's okay."

Adam's dismissive tone makes Ronan think he has said something wrong, and he stops walking.

"What's the matter?" he asks, concerned.

"Nothing."

This time, Ronan is sure he's done something to piss Adam off. It's not hard, really, upsetting Adam, but he's always taken such care to make sure that he never hurts him. It's too late now.

"Parrish. Now isn't the time for bullshit."

Adam finally stops too, and turns around to glance at Ronan. Just the look on his face is enough to make Ronan want to run over to him, soothe him, promise him that just this once, everything will be okay. For his eyes are pools of hurt and worry and anxiety, and Ronan knows he will never be good enough for this boy.

Adam's complexion changes into one of worry when he sees how truly concerned Ronan looks. He inwardly curses himself. What has he said to make Ronan act like this?

"Are you okay?" The words tumble out of Adam's mouth, stumbling upon each other in their haste to spill off the tip of his tongue and be released out into the open.

Ronan blinks.

"Yes."

"Are you sure?"

Adam doesn't believe him, not for a second. But then Ronan's features rearrange themselves into one of calm and composure, and he takes a deep breath.

"Yes."

Neither of them make any move to continue. Ronan's heart is beating so, so loud, and he's sure that Adam can hear it. Adam's mouth is dry and he swallows, several times. He opens and closes his sweaty palms, fidgets, and then curses himself for not being more subtle.

And then Ronan is right next to him, and Adam's head is bowed, just slightly, so he is looking down into his eyes, and then they are kissing.

Teeth knock together and heated breaths are exchanged, and Ronan is contemplating whether or not Adam would mind if he touched his hair, when four cool fingertips graze his side.

He freezes.

Adam is wondering if he's done anything wrong when Ronan pulls him closer, kisses him harder, and cards a hand through his hair.

After that, it's a blur. Hot, heavy gasps are thrown back and forth, and Adam knows that he's whispered Ronan's name far too many times, but he also knows that Ronan has called him Adam. Hands roam up and down backs and lips travel up and down necks, never daring to venture any farther.

Adam is the one to pull away gently, his eyes fluttering open and a small smile creeping across his mouth.

"We're never going to get home at this rate."

Ronan puts a finger against Adam's lips. "I don't care," he murmurs.

"Gansey and Blue will be wondering where we are."

Ronan sighs, his gentle breath whispering across the heated skin of Adam's neck, waiting for the final blow to be delivered.

"And I have to work tomorrow."

Ronan is expecting this, but it doesn't make the statement hurt any less.

"I hate it when you work."

Adam clenches his jaw.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Ronan closes his eyes, just for a brief moment, wistful, wishing.

They walk the rest of the way to the gas station in silence.

They walk the rest of the way back to the car without speaking to one another.

They are both surprised when Adam breaks the silence during the drive back to Monmouth Manufacturing.

"You don't. Understand. You think you do, but you don't."

Ronan doesn't think he understands. He wants to understand, but he doesn't. He doubts he will ever understand the way Adam acts, the way he won't accept charity from others, the way he reacts to certain things, the way he _looks at Ronan_.

"Sorry."

"It's okay."

"Bullshit."

They are kissing again. Mouths are mashed up against each other and hands are roaming and it is so, so messy and it is _exactly_ what Ronan wants and _exactly _what Adam needs.

They are built for each other, molded for each other, and Ronan suddenly realizes that they are in the middle of the road and a pair of headlights are growing nearer and _oh god_—

He hits the gas pedal. Swerves. They careen into a ditch. Adam gawks at him, open mouthed.

"Lynch, what the _fuck—_"

Ronan gets out of the car to inspect the damage. Adam stands next to him. He's so close, so, so close. Ronan can't stop his hands as they wrap around Adam's waist and pull him closer, as his lips brush Adam's, as he lets out a gentle sigh.

Adam doesn't protest. Somewhere, in the very back of his mind, there is a voice that sounds just like his father's, a voice that screams at him and calls him names, calls him a piece of shit, calls him fucking useless, calls him a faggot.

Ronan's lips squash that very same voice.

"Adam." His voice is breaking, it is tender and raw and full of emotion.

"Ronan." Adam's voice cracks and tears threaten to spill out of his eyes and down his cheeks.

He lets them.

Through his teary eyes, Ronan's frame has blurred, and suddenly he doesn't look so very sharp anymore.

Adam melts.

Gansey and Blue will be wondering where they are. He doesn't care.

Ronan stares at this broken, beautiful boy in his arms.

He wonders how he didn't see the love in Adam's eyes before. He was sure it was always there. Perhaps that was why he suggested the drive. It was just too hidden behind other emotions.

Adam doesn't want to leave. But he does, Ronan ends up dropping him off at St. Agnes, and then ends up drowning his own sorrows with a bottle of liquor.

Ronan hates watching Adam work. He wishes he could fix everything.

Adam hates watching Ronan drink. He wishes he wasn't the cause.


End file.
